Stretching my Blog Muscles

It has been a long, long time, and the why of it is not evident even to me. My blog and the bloggers world gave endless joy for such a long time. Why, why did I stop writing - abruptly? So many excuses. I won't bother. Suffice to say that I have been in a lulled state way too much. I've seen many mostly worthless television programs in the interim. Turning off my brain in front of the set took the place of creative thinking, I fear. This weekend has, for some reason, snapped me back into clearer thinking (that I hope will survive!) about how much junk, without purpose or real entertainment value, I waste time on. I can recall so little when they are over. I'm done. I'm vowing to watch only with intention from this point. Surely I am not alone in my assessment that there is not much on any of the hundreds of channels that is worth watching.

And, I'm still trying to shake myself into a new routine for 2009. The 2008 holidays spread before me like a two-headed creature, at once relentless demands and yummy anticipation. Being a grandmother now (oh yes, friends, that's him), I think I felt pressure to make these special times even more special for everyone. The mind and body reeled and rebelled in the face of this self-imposed screw-down for perfection. All I could do somehow fell short of perfection at every turn. I was internally distraught while trying to maintain external togetherness. When I finally confessed my inability to juggle full-time work, family and friend time and over-blown preparation for those fantasy holidays, I found a sense of relief from those I was confessing to - first and most importantly my daughter. Bethany has grace beyond belief, I must interject parenthetically. For instance, when I asked what she and Brad would like for Christmas Eve dinner - traditionally the most lovely of the lovely gatherings of the year - you will not believe their request. They asked for grilled cheese sandwiches and homemade soup.

I can hardly describe my relief. Instantly, my shoulders, then up around my ears in their most stressed position, moved back down to their right place and my arms fell freely. Do you know how warm the night can be, gathered before the bedecked tree with your most loved ones, eating oozing sandwiches, slurping from crocks of steamy soup? It was the best!!! I say it again, it was the best!! That was the tone for the sweetest time. And how much sweeter because Eli has become the center of our world! This Christmas took on a slightly golden cast, like the light from the Christmas tree was softly covering life itself.

It is impossible to go back and capture the past six months. I used to be able to do that, to wind months or years into a spin of words. Since Eli came, I see time in terms of the days of his life. Every day is miraculous. Little lights in his brain gently flicker and then burst bright, signalling a brand new discovery or development or recognition. How does this happen? It is my constant question. How has God wired such perfect sequencing? How is it that on Tuesday of this very week, Baby Boy pulled himself to his hands and knees and began rocking back and forth. Will next Thursday be the day his right knee inches forward followed by his left hand? How is it that one Monday in December, he flung his left leg over and flopped himself to his belly so as to reach an alluring squeaky alligator?

Compared to my acute awareness and wonder over Eli, I go through all the other parts of my life like an unemotional automaton. A marketing campaign will never occupy the same place in my heart that his fat little, dimpled hand patting mine can occupy. Helping a corporation make millions can never thrill me like that! Actually, he has made every part happier, and helped put every single aspect into a new order. The old value system has been upended. You have no idea!

So, as I step again into this conversation with who knows who, but mainly with myself, I am blissful. Nothing is perfect from the perspective of an unknowing observer. My life might look more than a little disheveled, with the edges of the painted exterior bumped and scarred like a well-used piece of furniture, sporting an allover aged patina. But all is as it should be. Really, it is.