Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Casualty of Re-Entry

I might jump in as if today was a new starting point, without trying to backtrack and explain anything. But, I have to talk about our vacation, which is now something of a distant memory; we were on the back side of it, coming home a month ago. For many people, a month can contain worlds.

Climbing up, up to the heights of Rocky Mountain National Park is physically, but also symbolically rising above the mundane world. We were lowlanders in rare air that made us breathe differently and altered our minds as well. We were incapable of contemplating problems we left fettered to our real lives. From that elevated perspective, the lower levels of life seemed to be attached to chronology in super fast motion, while we were privileged to visit a plane where time is measured in eons, and alterations are ascribed to percentages of eons. Like, when they say a chasm was formed 600 million years ago (half an eon), or a volcano erupted 60,000 years ago and scattered lava rocks about, which still lay where they fell, as if it were a mere moment past.

Nothing about those mountains has changed save piles of rocks that slid down a precipice 100 years ago. The only changes are man made in the form of roads or trails or inobtrusive villages, and that onslaught has been at snail's pace. Don and his grandfather visited Colorado every summer to camp when he was a boy. His grandfather took hundreds of pictures of visitas, which we revisited and appear absolutely unchanged. We can prove it.

The mountains are vast, the valleys are vast, the ecosystem is vast and oblivious to man. I was rendered so small, so without power or ego, like I was in the presence of God and completely undone by His immensity. The words of scripture, "Who is man that thou art mindful of him?" played in my head over and over. The miracle of what I believe: that He is ever mindful of me almost overwhelmed me.

Our days were simple - everything at the lowest common denominator. Who was showering when, where would we eat, what road would we explore? The smallness of basic existence in that setting was completely satisfying. I was sure I could stay there, on that schedule, for the rest of my life and not feel hunger for more.

I thought, "I'm changed. I will divest myself of everything when I return home. I don't need anything but half of what I packed in my bags." And I meant it when I thought it. How then, now that I have been back only a month, have I so reverted? How is it that I do want? How is it that I so quickly picked up speed, and fell into many of the same old patterns that felt foreign at re-entry? How could I so easily re-affix filters, like social expectations and modern thinking, that I removed on the high places?

Did you ever see Continental Divide with John Belushi? That's me. Going through the "normal" motions, with a look of bewilderment on my face.

6 comments:

Tammy Brierly said...

In this world you cannot maintain that level of simplicity because down here is complicated. Memories of those feeling will never leave you and will probably draw you back. I'm thrilled to read your powerful words again. Welcome home :)
XXXXOOOO

Kerstin said...

So much that you say here touches different parts in me.

The way you describe being in the presence of God amidst the vastness of the mountains - I so wish that I could ever feel like that.

The inspiration to declutter and even change your life when you return from your holiday; but as soon as daily life takes over again, so do your old habits and routines. Ah, that is so familiar. Yet I still love the process of believing that I might lead a more simple life upon my return, that in itself is a wonderful, albeit temporary, relief. And whatever you experienced in those high places, it is never completely lost, YOU still are an evolved person for having added another layer of consciousness and wonder to your soul.

Welcome back! Take care, Kerstin

Anonymous said...

I can understand the feelings of majesty you describe. Even though I've only been to Colorado once, it's the reason we bought land at the base of a 'fourteener' in So. Col...to be surrounded by those mountains...and to be given the gift of perspective. Patterns are so very devious...it's all too easy to fall right back into them. (As I learned from my recent space of workaholism...didn't I leave that behind in the 80's?!) What I want to know is, when you thought about divesting half of your possessions...did that include your shoes?! ;) xoxo

paris parfait said...

It's true that being in such an incredibly beautiful space, attuned with nature and feeling closer to God is inspiring. And whether or not the life we return to changes significantly, our consciousness and way of thinking is altered. I've missed your writing; your powerful words. Am so glad you're back! xo

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Welcome Back!! Big hug to you for climbing back into the blog!

Anonymous said...

As you were arriving in Colorado for your vacation, my family and I were driving away from the state that has been our home for 13 years. It's been hard to leave it. I looked at Longs Peak in the park every day from our home. The Midwest is beautiful in its own right, but I miss our mountains and their majesty. We've lived out of boxes in temporary housing for a couple of months now, and I've appreciated living more simply. But I'm so looking forward to opening boxes and luxuriating in the bounty of my "things". I'm looking forward to re-entering my life once we have a home again.

On another note, I just re-found you and am so glad you came back! I've really missed your writing!